Sitting on the Hil
I place my body
upon a corner where the clouds begin to scatter.
Within a single blade of grass
rests a heart I never managed to cleanse,
and all this is merely the passing of the wind.
And when at last
all the water within my flesh has dried away,
may that vanished fragment of cloud
become the rain someone longed for,
and may these dried stems of grass
become winter fodder for another life.
Beloved—
you whom I love, gentle woman—
become at least the snow
and cover the body of this wanderer.
Then, with the deepest voice,
I shall send forth a gratitude rising in tears.
Sitting on the Hill is the very first sculpture of my life, created with aluminum mesh after finally solving the most fundamental problem of my fifteen years of wandering: securing a workspace and finding sculptural materials appropriate to my circumstances. During those long years, I lived in constant desperation and endless contemplation over how it might ever become possible to do the sculptural work I longed for so deeply. I told myself that, at the very least, I should continue sketching ideas, and before I knew it the number had grown into the hundreds. I felt I could not delay even for a moment.
At the time, so excited was I that I impatiently dreamed of making at least one sculpture each month. While enlarging a small sketch drawn on graph paper into an aluminum mesh body, I somehow miscalculated and made the thickness of the arms nearly twice what they should have been.
Something about it felt strange, yet only long after completing the work did I finally discover the absurd source of the mistake. Truly unbelievable.
Every time I looked at the piece, I felt uncomfortable, and I kept thinking that one day I must correct it. But beginning last year, for one year and four months, personal circumstances prevented me from making any art at all. On top of that came the difficulties surrounding the cats living in and around my home, and life itself became overwhelmingly burdensome. I could not even imagine returning to the work.
Fortunately, one of the cats I am still medicating has recovered greatly, and that alone has eased my heart considerably. So I resolved firmly to begin working again. Yet when I stood before my workbench and tools, everything felt strangely unfamiliar, and I found myself reluctant to begin immediately. As a kind of warm-up, I decided first to repair this sculpture. Through partial dismantling and reassembly, it has now nearly reached completion once again.
A few more days of work, and it will be finished.
There is, however, one thing. According to the original sketch, the head should have been as thick as one square of the graph paper—the same width as the arm. But I deliberately ignored that and made it thin instead. The reason is that, sometimes during the making of a work, there are moments when I feel the work itself gradually becoming me. Simply put, there are moments when the work seems to speak to me and give instructions.
“Cut off the head.”
That was the voice this unfinished sculpture threw back at me.
Almost all artists hear this mysterious voice. A plan, by its nature, also possesses the tendency to delight in transformation.
The work exists within me, and I exist within the work. Much like when someone truly loves me, that person is already living within my heart, even if we have never once met.
Is that true?
I do not know for certain, haha!
