TO A USELESS QUESTION
Four months after I stopped feeding the stray cats that used to seek out my home, I opened the front door and unexpectedly found myself face-to-face with a kitten begging for food.
It was so emaciated that it looked like a scrap of lumber. I could not hold out for even a week; in the end, I secretly put out food for it, keeping it hidden from the other cats.
It went against the promise I had made to my next-door neighbor—to keep the problems caused by the cats gathering around my house from growing any worse. But the little one’s desperate plea was simply too much to bear.
Today, another cat came by at lunchtime, pressed itself tightly against my ankle, and begged for something to eat. It, too, was frighteningly thin, as though it had been starving for far too long.
Was I told to agonize? I am agonizing.
Was I told to find a purpose? I have long been preoccupied with that very purpose.
The cigarette smoke kindled by the question trails on—from one cigarette to two, then three—as I pass through a long tunnel. Yet time, imprisoned in darkness, has already come to a halt.
A useless question, a useless wait, useless time—perhaps they were nothing but cosmic debris from the very beginning.
A longing I had declared abandoned rises inexplicably, overlapping with it all, and I find myself realizing once again that all these things—whether they pass or linger—are contained within the mountain-high walls of fate.
Misunderstanding, confusion, a preview of a function since deleted—and still the questioning continues. How much longer must I cling to it?
The little one had come seeking help, seeking me. After devouring every morsel in the bowl, it approached my secret smoking corner and sat quietly, gazing at me. I had not even noticed. Its tiny paws, held neatly together like little clubs, are more than enough to make my heart ache.
The question is clear, but the answer now refuses the question itself.
